Contentedness

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. 

January 3 - Are you content?

This is SUCH a loaded question for me and the answer has so many layers that I am feeling exhausted just thinking about them. I think the short answer would be: I am content for periods of time and in certain compartments of my life, but childlessness is such a gaping hole in my core that it (at least for the foreseeable future) and contentedness are absolutely incompatible.

Grateful

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. 

Randy and Zipper - who has him wrapped around her little paw

January 2: What are you grateful for?

Hands down, the answer is forever Randy. Although I often complain and lament about all I don't have (especially related to fertility) I actually have TONS to be grateful for. But Randy is at the forefront by miles. We've known each other for 18 years now (I don't even have a concept of what 18 years feels like. I still feel 18 years old in a lot of ways.) and in that whole time I don't think he's ever once put himself first or thought of his own needs/wants ahead of mine in any way that really counts. Maybe he'd beg to differ – after all – he knows what thoughts are floating around his mind better than I do. But his actions time and time again have proven a commitment and devotion to me that make me wonder how I ever deserved it. And the answer, I think, is that I don't. I don't think people deserve what they get in life – I think things just happen to you, and sometimes you get lucky. Far, far luckier than you deserve.

For me, a giant portion of that luck has taken the form of a ginger-haired boy with muppety expressions who thinks Liz Lemon is hilarious, who gets too stressed out by horror films to watch them, who learned to knit to help me out, who is genuinely fascinated by online math classes, who wants to live in a farmhouse with chickens but understands we will also need an apartment in the city so that I don't go crazy, who enjoys cooking me dinner, who regularly checks and restocks expired first aid supplies in hour home, who has deserted island survival fantasies, who installed hardwood floors and built a deck because I wanted them, who loves to ski and hike and run, who wants to have a regular art night where we start new projects, who works tirelessly to entertain me with songs and funny voices, and who says his favorite times in life are when we just hang out together.

Yep – I won some sort of lottery here.

New Year, New Blog Project

Photo taken by me, Chelsea Market, Manhattan

Confession time: I really haven't been in the mood to write recently. I like the idea of writing every day but when it comes down to it lately, I just keep getting sidetracked by far more important things to do. Things such as: avoiding writing. Basically I'm swamped. But here's the thing - one of my New Years goals is to write at least one meaningful blog post per week. But here's the other thing - another of my New Years goals is to live more simply. What to do?

I hava you answer! (That will look ridiculous unless you're familiar with My Big Fat Greek Wedding. If you're not, you should be.)

The answer is a project I found on Pinterest (which is a black hole of an activity that falls under the category of avoiding writing and that I'd highly recommend!) called 5 Year Journal. It was created by Tami Taylor and featured on the scrap-booking website Get It Scrapped. While I have NO patience for traditional scrap-booking (who knows why my brain says knitting tiny hats with delicate yarn is no problem and cutting out paper and photos is too much work?), I do love the idea of keeping a record of real daily life - for myself and for future generations. I actually think of this blog as a sort of scrapbook - just without the scissors and glue and tape and glitter and whatnot. And really, if you look at this project, it doesn't have to be about scrap-booking at all.

The 5 Year Journal is, essentially, a list of 365 prompts to follow - one question per day. You can write a word, a sentence, a paragraph, or an essay - the idea is to have some record of your day, every day for a year and then start over next year with the same questions. After five years you'll be able to not only look back at the goings-on of years past, you can compare and contrast the entries for the same day year to year and see how time changes your answers to the same questions.

I don't know if I'll do this for five years, but I am intrigued by the idea of having a ready-made prompt every single day to get me started. Knowing that some days, when I'm up for it, I'll write a lot. But other days, when I don't feel like even looking at my Mac (Her name is Mrs. Mackey, by the way - and she is married to Mr. Mackey - Randy's Mac. I know - we rocked it coming up with creative names.) I can answer a question in as little as a word or sentence and instantly have a record for the day.

My plan is to try and do the 5 Year Journal every day. Some days the simple prompt answer will be all I blog. Some days I'll use the prompt as a jumping off point for a more in-depth blog entry that highlights something I would have written about anyway. Sometimes I may tweak a prompt if I feel that it would be more suited to my needs.  Also - I'll be perfectly honest right from the get-go: I will most likely not physically post every day. I may miss a few days or a week and write all those posts at once, back-dating them to the appropriate day. Also, there probably won't be photos for every entry. Its not ideal, but life is busy, and also its my blog and I can do what I want. :)

With no further ado......Let the 5 Year Journal begin!

January 1: What is your number one goal?
See yesterday's post. I think that will suffice as my answer for this prompt!

I will do today's prompt in a separate post. Two posts in one day! Might be a record for me. :)

New Year = Everything Will Now Be Amazing

So I've been known to go to extremes. Maybe. Sometimes. So says my mother. And probably everyone else who has ever met me. When I find a new band or album I like I listen to it and only it for two months and then I don't want to hear it again for a year. Same with my food fads. When my plans get changed at the last minute I tend to overreact a tad and let it ruin my day. So its no surprise that I place a lot of emphasis on the beginnings of things - weeks, months, and of course, years. I never start a diet or work-out plan or really anything in the middle of the week. Truthfully, if I had my way I'd always start new projects or goals on the first day of the month.....and it would be really helpful if the first day of the month was also a Sunday or Monday. I guess I like things to be tidy. You can imagine, then, that the start of an ENTIRELY NEW year has ALL of the circuits firing in my brain. Its like a fireworks display in there.

Now logically I know that there is nothing magical about the clock switching over from 11:59 to 12:00 on December 31. There is no cosmic shift that happens. But the fresh-new-start molecules in the core of my being don't care. They jump on the NEW YEAR bandwagon like there's no yesterday and fill my mind with momentum and optimism. Which sounds great.....except that its fantasy level, nothing-will-ever-live-up-to-it type optimism. The kind that tends to be short-lived if not reined in and carefully monitored.

Love me some Liz Lemon. I feel like this a LOT.

And I really am trying to rein it in. A little. Kind of. But this year has some special significance for me that is making it difficult to not go overboard.  First, this will be the year of mine and Randy's (is that grammatically correct? I can't think of a good way to phrase that. Kara - almost master of the English language - enlighten me!) TENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!! 10!!!! Also, this will be the first full year in several which will be unmarred by invasive medical treatments for infertility. It really does feel like a brand new start - an opportunity to become wonderful. An opportunity that I am going to seize - likely without much restraint, as foolish as it may be.

I have placed some basic restraints on myself, though. I'm  not completely uncivilized. Randy and I have been working hard today writing real, achievable goals and creating a master calendar to schedule all of our goals and activities so that the year doesn't slip away unnoticed. I guess, overall, we are trying to be more purposeful about 2012. We don't want life this year to just happen to us - we want to make the most of it. So along with our sensible, bulleted, measurable goal list I decided to create a visual reminder of how I want my 2012 to look. I used Tagxedo to create my "word cloud" and it was so much fun that I became a little obsessed with making all kinds of word clouds (hence my aforementioned going to extremes issue). Here is the Hitched and Stitched World Debut of my 2012 Goals word cloud. (And seriously - you should totally go make one of these. I made the below cloud in three different shapes as well as one for Zipper (our wiener dog), one for Valentines Day and one about infertility before I made myself stop and continue living my regularly scheduled life.)

If you're still with me - bonus points for you! I know its not always super interesting to read about someone else's New Years resolutions. So I'll shut up about mine for a while - I'm going to start a new blog project tomorrow. But I felt like I absolutely COULD NOT start the new year on Hitched and stitched without setting the tone for what I am calling The Year of Kim. But I know that sounds incredibly obnoxious so I'll only call it that in my head from now on. Its not meant to be obnoxious - only to help me focus as I begin to reclaim some of what infertility and pregnancy loss has taken from me and start taking care of myself again. I hope 2012 holds wonderfull-ness for all of us, even if we do put a bit too much emphasis on its beginnings.

So Christmas has come and gone and part of me wants to write a moving and comprehensive composition about the emotions involved in our first post-treatment holiday season. But a bigger part of me is tired. And lazy. And content to leave the bulk of those emotions trapped in their little hiding spot - a spot which has become more reliable as a holding cell over the past few months, allowing me many greatly needed days of peace. But a spot, nonetheless, which still has only tenuous control over the monster it contains and must be closely monitored. Wow - those last two sentences took a turn I wasn't expecting. Anyway, back in sanity-land, as I was saying - the bigger part of me - the lazy part is winning out. So I'm going to go for a minimalist approach and try to sum it all up with one photo and a short description:

 This is Daniel and me on Christmas day. And yes - he is wearing a Santa suit, in case you were wondering. It was a blast watching him experience his first Christmas. It was also exhausting watching him experience his first Christmas. Or rather, it was exhausting watching everyone watch him experience his first Christmas - wishing I had gotten to experience it as a parent rather than an aunt. Feeling relegated to a life of being the next best thing. Worried that I don't matter as much as I would if I brought a child to the mix. Ashamed of myself for worrying about it. And the cycle goes on and on.

So to sum up: Christmas was about 80% fun/cozy/happy/relaxing and only about 20% anxiety/longing/aching/less-than-ness. I'd call that a success. 

Owlettes

We made owl hats for Kara's 8-year-old twin nieces. I think they're owlfully cute. Ugh....I know, I know - but I had to. :) Initially I wasn't totally on board with Kara's color choices - I was worried that white yarn and pink eyes might look a tad albino-y. But she was right - they ended up looking wintery and girly - exactly what we were going for!

Whooooo's There?

Ollie the Owl - Sold at Birds of a Feather Fair

Hi Friends! Hopefully there are still some of you out there! I know I've really been slacking with the blog posting lately. There are so many things to focus on right now that I keep forgetting some of them! We are deep in the midst of holiday custom order crafting, plus we have a lot more holiday festivities to attend this year. 

I'm excited by the latter, but also a little overwhelmed. Even though we're somewhat more settled this year from an infertility standpoint (as in we are not in the midst of surgeries and procedures and have moved out of that life phase) we're still not "over" it by any means. Last year we kind of skipped the entire season, keeping our heads down and busying ourselves with craft shows and travel, in an effort to insulate ourselves from the real world. This year we are dipping our toes back in.....cautiously. And we have no idea how we will fare emotionally. On one hand, we want to live life and have fun and enjoy our family and friends. On the other, we're afraid of looking too put together and not receiving the leeway we still need in these situations. The fact is, I'm still adjusting to the new dynamics in my extended family created by my sister becoming a mother. It is difficult for me to see my family members doting on her as a mother figure, even though I love having my nephew around. And Randy's extended family is big and ever expanding - many small children including a newborn, and at least one very pregnant person, for good measure.   While both of our families are supportive and understanding of our situation, we're all still learning. We are now in uncharted territory and there are no social norms for us to fall back on. 

I guess I need to make an open plea for patience from everyone I encounter this season. I may look more put together than last year, but I'm still recovering from something that nearly tore my heart in two, and that is a slow process. I'm going to give myself permission to take breaks from the action when I start to feel a little unglued and I'm going to try and remember the things about me that are worthwhile and good even when they are all covered up by my feelings of inadequacy that stem from my childless status. Hopefully, I will come out on the other side. :)