It happened today. I have miscarried/am miscarrying. For the third time. And life goes on as if it doesn't matter. Miscarriages are strangely received by society - especially such early ones. Its a death - our child's death. But there are no memorial services, no flowers sent, no casseroles delivered. Amazingly, many people who know what's happening don't even mention it or ask how I'm doing. Do people just not know what to say/do? Are they embarrassed about the subject? Or do they just not grasp how utterly devastating this is? The nonchalant manner in which the event is often treated even tricks my brain and plays with my judgment, causing me to second guess my own emotions and my own convictions about the significance of the loss. I start to think maybe its really not a big deal. I go back to work much earlier than I feel ready to because I don't want to blow it out of proportion. And then I scream inside my head "how could you blow your child's death out of proportion?" But people on the outside don't have any connection to the life that was fleetingly in me - its more like an abstract concept than a reality for them. I don't know what its like from the outsider's perspective anymore. I just know how lonely and dismissive and small the typical societal reaction feels for those going through a miscarriage- the death of someone's child, their dreams for the future, and a portion of their soul.
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Far from trivializing what has happened, the enormity of the loss makes it difficult to find words. I don't think you grasp the enormity of the pain of everyone who loves you and Randy feels as we walk quietly with you through this. We express our grief in prayers for you that awaken us from sleep and haunt us during the day. We hope with you and are devastated when that hope is crushed. Our whole family feels helpless seeing you go through this horrible time. I agree, that we don't have a cultural way established to address this kind of child loss and that makes it awkward to do something for fear of doing or saying something "wrong" and risk making the pain worse for the family. I just want you to know that we love you and grieve with you. Love, Aunt Darlene , Uncle Earl, and the cousins.
ReplyDeleteKim, it's true, I don't know what to say. I think there's a fine line of wanting to comfort you and not wanting to bring up anything unpleasant. Forgive my ignorance and lack of perspective. I'm so sorry that you've had to suffer these losses and I pray for success and/or comfort through everything. I love you.
ReplyDeleteKim, I also don't know what to say except that my heart breaks for you and Randy and your children. Not having been in touch for years, I don't want it to seem like I'm intruding but please know that you are thought of and prayed for, very often. Your children are real and their loss is real. My heart does break for your family and I am grieved by your loss. I can't imagine how painful it must be to lose a child and I am so very sorry you must go through this pain. Please know I continue to think of you and Randy very often.
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